Sunday, 10 January 2016

Sending our love to heaven for Christmas

Sebastian may not have arrived by Christmas this year, if things weren't the way they turned out. He may have spent it in utero waiting for his due date to arrive.

I remember when I announced my pregnancy and everyone joked that he may come on Christmas Day, to which I would reply that I would prevent it by laying still for all of December.

I never expected to spend this Christmas without him. Once you fall pregnant your whole future includes your baby, you never imagine that baby to die. You never consider spending Christmas grieving.It breaks my heart that we had to spend it without him. We considered not celebrating, we have nothing to celebrate. It's so hard to find things to be grateful for when you've had you're baby taken away from you. But we did it. I can't remember the reason why we chose to do it, but we did. Maybe it's because my family subtly pressured us, or because we felt like we would be letting people down..

But we did it.

...And for the parts of the day where we sat with family and friends, we even smiled and laughed. But inside we were dying. At home, where we sat alone, we cried. Why is our boy not with us!? Why us!?

This is just the beginning of milestones Sebastian has missed and we will forever mourn. He may not be with us on earth, but he is with us in spirit.. And regardless of that it was his first Christmas in heaven.

I don't think we would have been able to get through the day if it wasn't for the thoughtful gifts from family members. We were given so many cute momentous to help remember Sebastian and to help include him on the day. If he wasn't recognised in some way I think I wouldn't have lasted. So we were so grateful to have received these. I will post photos of them all soon - they are all so precious.

To all the family and friends who sent their love, prayers, kind messages and very generous gifts, thank you.

It's so hard to explain the pain of losing a baby whose lifeless body you have only met. We love hearing people mention his name and include him on special occasions, whether it's his first Christmas or his twentieth, I don't think it will ever get old.

No comments:

Post a Comment