You will probably guess from reading this post that my emotions are all over the place. I'm battling so many emotional wars I'm starting to feel numb.
2 weeks ago I returned to work. I have to say I work with some amazing people. I was greeted with morning teas, gifts, hugs and lots of support. It made retuning to work a lot easier. I was a nervous wreck as I walked in the door. I had already cried on my way there.
It is good to be back in a routine and given a distraction each day, but I can't help but feel like I'm back to where I was before Sebastian. It hurts so much to return to reality like nothing happened. I should be going on maternity leave in 1 week. But here I am dreading a client asking me where my pregnant belly has gone or why I am still at work (or where I have been). I will keep going and pushing myself, I haven't yet felt isolated or silenced about what happened, and people are genuinely interested and happy to hear me talk about him so I find this relieving and comforting. I definitely am glad I took the three months off. I needed it.
I still cry everyday. If you ever wondered if you run out of tears I can confirm that you don't. It's so hard to find things to look forward to, but I pray that one day I will meet Sebastian again and before then I will be able to give him a sibling. Even if it's just one. I will be ever so grateful (and probably incredibly over protective and full of anxiety).
Anyways, today we had our first appointment with the IVF specialist.
I had booked the appointment last month after we got our results. We hadn't (and in our minds still have not) committed to this pathway. However we acknowledge that it may be our best chance of getting a baby that is healthy and alive.. So I booked it.
I had contemplated cancelling it. I find myself second guessing everything lately as I'm so sick of having an uncertain future that is full of "what ifs". We ended up keeping the appointment and were not feeling any emotion towards it other than "meh". It's just another process - well so I keep telling myself.
We also weren't sure whether it was premature to be going as we were still unsure of when we will get Sebastian's final autopsy results, especially as they said it could be years away... But as we walked out of the house today, totally out of the blue, literally on our way to the IVF clinic, we received an email from the Genetic Counsellor. Our results should be ready by January 11th. Holy crap. This just got real.
I became a little excited for the IVF appointment after that, so off we went..
The doctor was extremely nice. He told it how it was but he was honest. I appreciated that.
He did some tests (internal ultrasounds & blood tests) and talked us through the cost and process. Steady yourself for that - there is nothing easy about it at all.
He looked at my ovaries to see whether I have PCOS and endometriosis, which he decided I'm "borderline" for PCOS. I must admit, I became filled with rage when he even contemplated those things wrong with me. I had never felt like anything was wrong with that stuff and I didn't need him throwing another spanner in our works. Nevertheless, I kept it to myself. I'm still unconvinced I am "borderline" . He wants me to lose 5kgs.. Which I feel like if I do before the next appointment, he will be more convinced I don't have it.. Right?
We will be going back to see him on January 28th. By that stage we will have the autopsy results and be able to better plan the process (if we haven't convinced ourselves to try naturally). If everything goes to plan and they find a healthy embryo to transfer first go, I could be pregnant by May 2016. Watch this space?
So how do I feel? Well to be honest I feel numb. I should be 36 weeks pregnant and I absolutely hate that I am not. I hate that we have to go through with this process and that I have failed in my job of being a woman.
I am still so incredibly skeptical of the process. I tend to concentrate on the low success rates we are likely to experience due to having two genetic conditions. I wish I could see just a glimpse of my life in 18 months time, so I can see whether to give up now or not. So whilst I am hopeful, I know that there is a chance it won't work. The doctor said it may take 2-3 attempts to get it right.
A lady at my work gave me a religious book that the women in her family read after they had experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. It's a little bit of a family heirloom with a superstitious and religious undertone. I'm reading it. Daily. All the women who used it fell pregnant with healthy babies afterwards. I feel like I have nothing to lose and it helps restore my faith and hope into our future.
The next few weeks are going to be really hard for us. We have Sebastian's first Christmas in heaven, his due date on January 2nd and then the autopsy results on January 11th, followed by IVF appointment on the 28th. I apologise now-in advance- for any emotional venting that may occur here on my blog, or in person. Feel free to avoid me for the next two months. No offence will be taken.
i don't really want to include this in my blog as I don't want financial stress to be something that I write about, but I will put the price below in case you are going through this process and would like to know what the price breakdown of the procedure is (I'm only putting this as I was desperate to find out aswell). But please know this is relative to PGD testing and is the "maximum" amount (it's actually a little more than the below price as you pay for consultations and tests before even getting to IVF). It may differ for you depending on your circumstances and clinic.
This is the price breakdown...
Most expensive case (they have 5 or more embryos to test and get a normal embryo) $20,200 total. But $13096 out of pocket after Medicare (not including consultation fees and tests before).
If they don't do a transfer because there was no healthy embryo the out of pocket expenses are $10645 ($16165 before Medicare).
If the first cycle is not successful The second attempt (and thereafter) will cost $6739 out of pocket ($11815 before Medicare). Then on top of that will be $2450 if there is a healthy embryo to transfer.
Of course with the current proposals by the government the price may increase after January 2016.
To everyone still reading and following our journey, thank you. The overwhelming support and love we have received is the only thing that has been keeping us going. I would have given up by now if I didn't have you.