Sunday, 18 October 2015

Signs of Hope & Utter Sadness

"Dear Sebastian

It's been 9 weeks since you've been gone. Sometimes my chest hurts so bad I think I am dying; I know I am not, and I know its silly to say that when you have experienced the feeling of death. But that is how heartbreak feels to me. I now know so much more about how grief shows its ugly face. I have likened to the idea that grief is as if I am standing on the beach and the pain and torment of missing you are the waves. Some waves are small and just keep my feet wet, but it is always there. Other days the waves are so big that it knocks me over and I struggle to stand up. The waves haven't won though, I am still fighting for you.

I know the feeling of being stuck and standing still, like the world is spinning around me and I cant catch a breath. But please know, I breathe every breath for you. There is not a minute I do not think about you. I've devoted my life to you. I miss you more than anything. If my tears and words could bring you back, I am sure you would be home by now. I wish so badly that I could bring you back, I would do anything to just be able to see your smile again and hold you. I've never felt so numb before, so empty. Each day that goes past I want to honour you. I want the world to know about the little life that was lost and the impact you have had. You have taught me so much about life, myself and family. You have given so much and taken so little. I want you to experience a life with happiness, I want to share in that happiness with you.

I know you are with your Dad and I; I know that you you're watching over us everyday. I see your signs and I pray you're telling me that you are OK. I love you my baby boy. You mean the world to me. You inspire me to be a better person.

Love you always and forever.

I do know Sebastian is with me. I've been told that and I've had pretty blatant signs. Even if these signs can be scientifically proven, I don't care. I'm a grieving mother and I will believe in what I need to in order to get through.

But just so we are on the same page, here are the signs I have received:

The Medium/Psychic Reading
When I was pregnant, only a few weeks before I found out Sebastian had passed away, we went and saw a Medium (who did not know I was pregnant). She told me that there was a ball of light around me and it follows me everywhere. She asked if I had a miscarriage at some time? I told her no. Little did I know, it was around the corner. She was insistent it was not symbolic of anyone else's baby. She did not continue on this subject as I became quire worried.

If you've been reading my blog you would know how rabbits are now special to us. The last day I was pregnant with Sebastian we saw 2 rabbits on the beach. For the next 10 days we saw more in places that were unexpected. We have since seen rabbits on days that were of significance (for instance, fathers day). How many people can say that they have seen a rabbit in different locations on consecutive days? The day that Sebastian was born, my Father and Step Mum were with me. When they returned home, a rabbit was in their street. We would all continue to see them non-stop. Mum was also driving one day on her way to my house. I was pretty upset. As she was talking to me on the phone she saw a white rabbit sitting on the side of the road. James' aunty could not make it to Sebastian's funeral and also saw a rabbit in an unusual place the day of the funeral. The point is, we have seen so many rabbits!
Without knowing the connection, we have also received many gifts (books, frames, stuffed animals) all of which have been (or about) rabbits! I think it is truly awesome, and now whenever I see one (I always pray one crosses my path on bad days) I think of Sebastian and know that he is OK.

There have been two occasions where I was very upset in public. One was when James decided I needed to go back to our favourite picnic spot at night and remember Sebastian there; the other was at a child's birthday party.

When we were going to the picnic spot, at 4 different locations and times that day. We had a beetle fly on to one of our arms. They were different in colour, but were all small. It was enough for us to believe it was a sign and accept them. Again, when do you get 4 beetles on your same arm on the same day? Similarly, at the birthday party, a beetle flew on me in the same position on my arm.

I know people can say this is a coincidence, but I seem to always look at the clock lately when it is 11:11. I always make a wish for Sebastian, but I can't tell you what it is - it might not come true then!

The noisy vase
We have a vase with our remotes in it at home, one night there was only one remote in it. James and I sat on the lounge next to it. We were not near the vase, nor were we looking at it. The windows were not open and there was no breeze. Suddenly we heard the noise of a remote being dropped into it and moving around the vase. It lasted for about 2-3 seconds and we could not explain it. I looked in the vase (at which time it had stopped) and the one remote wouldn't have been able to move/fall by itself due to its size. We have no idea how this happened.

The chair
The chair is probably the weirdest of all. I was in bed one morning on my phone (my cats were with me) and James was at work. I heard a loud noise (I thought it was the broom falling over), that went for quite a few seconds - maybe 10. My cats jumped up and ran to the door, they were all bushy tailed and hiding behind the corner with jus their heads peering out. I went out and looked to see that our dining room chair was in the middle of our hallway. It was not the closest dining chair either, it was the one furthest away. It's a reasonably heavy chair. I called James and asked him if he left the chair in the hallway. He said no. He didn't believe it. He made me check all the doors and windows to make sure no one had broken in (the chair was placed below our man hole in the roof). Obviously everything was locked and no one was in sight. My handbag remained on the chair where I left it the night before. It didn't move. I tried different things to see if that could have moved it (pulling the chair by my bag handle etc.) but the bag would just fall off. I can't explain it!

Of course my favourite was the blue orb that appeared in a photo at Sebastian's funeral - you'll have to go back to that post to see it. 

I am sure we have had other little signs, and I will always continue to ask Sebastian for help or strength through certain situations. I know he is now my guiding star.  


  1. Hello,
    I saw your story on Yahoo. I wanted to take a moment and say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my first baby to Trisomy 18 almost 9 years ago. I am a volunteer admin for the March of Dimes site Share Your Story. We are an online community of parents and even grandparents who have endured the loss of a baby, pregnancy or have experience in the NICU. If you are looking for a community of people who really "get it" you will be welcomed without question. You can find us at Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your first baby and I am grateful that you reached out to me. Thank you so much for sharing the site for me. It sounds like an amazing website, I will be sure to look into it. xx