It's 1.23am and I am wide awake, my eyes filled with tears and nose blocked from crying. I lay in my bed next to my husband and I fight back loud sobs so I don't wake him. This is me every night lately, this is the darkest and lowest point of my life so far. I don't even really know if anyone will ever read this post, but I feel like I need to write this all down in order for me to start healing...or at least get some sleep, even if it's just tonight.
My life over the last 4 weeks has been the hardest it has ever been. I honestly don't know where to start with putting this into words let alone sentences. Perhaps I will give a run down of everything so far and then go into each event in more detail as I feel the need to relive it.
On August 17, 2015 at 3.24pm I delivered our beautiful angel baby, Sebastian into the world. He was born sleeping and weighed a tiny 140g....in my eyes, he was perfect. I was only 20 +2 weeks pregnant. In Australia, 20 weeks gestation is when a baby can be considered stillborn - that means there were two days between Sebastian being legally recognised as a stillborn instead of a miscarriage. Those two days allowed me to register his birth and provide a funeral - and I'm so glad I got that! I am so glad that if we ever provide siblings to Sebastian (which now involves lots of doctors, tests and anxiety for us), he will be recognised on their birth records, he will be recognised as a big brother, his existence will be acknowledged.
Sebastian died from a lethal diagnosis of skeletal dysplasia. We had only learned of his prognosis 9 days prior. Nothing had sunk in.. We were in shock for those 9 days. We were handed between three different hospitals and whilst we searched for a different diagnosis, it never came. We were (and still are) heartbroken to learn that his bones were not growing in size or strength and that his organs had been. We were horrified to learn that his bones would restrict his organs from functioning due to the lack of room available for them to operate, or that he is prone to fractures in the womb and that his condition was one of the most severe that the doctors has seen. But worst of all, he was expected to pass away in utero within the coming weeks - nothing prepares you for that news.
Sebastian was our first born. My husband and I had planned this pregnancy and he was wanted so much. His nursery was full of his furniture in boxes awaiting to be put together, along with little items we had collected at weekly grocery shops
And gifts from family and friends. The room,formerly our guest room, had been cleared out by us in preparation for his arrival - a high chair already sat assembled, along with a feeding chair and a change table. We had just organised a wardrobe to be installed at the end of the month and I had just found the curtains I wanted to hang, pending the gender we would find out the day after at the 20 week scan. We were so excited. Our friends, family, colleagues and neighbours had been told that we were expecting only a couple of weeks prior. My belly had just started showing as I invested in some comfy maternity jeans....
But now, here I am.. Empty handed and looking at a blue pvc box that contains what once was all my hopes and dreams, a box that contains so much love and admiration, a box that holds my son's ashes.
There are many things I feel now since losing Sebastian - guilt, sadness, sorrow, stuck, anxious and empty. This is why I need to write down Sebastian's story and document the journey in detail of what we have been through and the long road we still have ahead of us...But I also want to write this down because I never want to forget any of this emotion or any story that connects me with my son. But I guess that's what grief is about....