Wednesday, 3 January 2018

So much time has passed...

It's been over a year since my last post. It's not that I have forgotten about this page, it's just that I needed space to get through my rainbow pregnancy. I read all the comments that have been left on this page, and I will now work my way through replying to them. I apologise it's taken so long, I just needed to switch off and live in a bubble during my pregnancy.

The 40 weeks went past, I won't say they went by fast, as it really was not too enjoyable for me. It was filled with fear and anxiety that something would go wrong. We didn't get a 20 week scan where we were told that our baby was perfectly healthy, we were warned of an enlarged ventricle on the brain that needed monitoring throughout and after birth. But we did get through the pregnancy. 

We met some amazing medical staff, and some staff who lacked empathy. I hated that my file wasn't detailed about Sebastian. So many times we had to retell his story to doctors. However we were also corrected plenty of times when we referred to Sebastian as our first child. "Do you have any other babies?" They would ask, "only Sebastian who died at 20 weeks gestation", "ok so this pregnancy is your first baby". Apparently once we left the hospital after having Sebastian, he no longer counted. 

I could sit here and write a long list of things that were inappropriately said to us by medical professionals, but I won't. I'll save that for a day I'm enraged with anger. Haha!

This post is to provide a sort of closure to my last entry, and to announce that we did get a happy ending. Our beautiful son, Isaac Sebastian, was born on November 1st. He weighed 4kg and was 56cm long. He was born via forceps and had the cord around his throat. Blue and floppy he was swiftly taken away to stabilise. Those moments killed me. I looked at James with tears in my eyes, thinking that we were about to lose another son, that Sebastian wanted a sibling in heaven, the silence was deafening. Finally we heard his little cry as he took his first breath and Isaac was placed in my arms. I have never felt so much relief and happiness in one go. I can't even describe the feeling. 

Today as I write this entry, our little rainbow is 14 months old. He is walking, climbing, extremely noisy, loves to laugh and has a cheeky smile that melts me for days. We are very happy. 

We've celebrated 2 of Sebastian's birthdays, and have changed so much about ourselves and our lives because of him. He taught us not only who is important in our world, but also what is important. Personally, I have just become a qualified counsellor which I hope to one day use to support other grieving parents. I have also maintained my Mumspiration website of sharing stories of other grieving parents. Sebastian was and always will be a huge influence in our lives. I love that little baby with so much of my soul. He will never be forgotten, and as I have always said, I will forever speak to him daily, think about him hourly and live to keep his memory alive. While I may shed less tears (they definitely still happen), I can also finally say that I find myself smiling about him often too. How grateful I am to have been fortunate to hold him and for him to have experienced nothing but love. That brings me so much joy.

While I may write on this blog less, I will continue to write and share stories through mumspiration. Returning to this blog to update on our little family, events or things that occurred that I have remembered. 

In the meantime, thank you so so much for all of your support and love. I honestly hope my story brings hope, comfort and love to others going through this. If anyone is ever needing to vent, I'm happy to listen.

Here are a couple of photos of our beloved Isaac from when he was newborn, 6 months, and now 1 year. 

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